I believe You are there. And in times like this, I know You are teaching me something. I don’t understand what, and I couldn’t comprehend how this has to happen.
There are so many things I wanted some answers to. Questions need to be uttered but words just won’t come out. You know, Lord, how much I desire his presence in my life. And just the thought of having no communication with him as the new year comes definitely is killing me.
I know also Lord that he simply wants the best for me. He doesn’t want me to carry all the blame that others put upon him. He wants ease things out for me. I know that he is just preparing the way to give me what we both want.
But why Lord does it have to come to this? Why is it so hard to accept the fact that we won’t be seeing each other, or even communicate with each other, until that day he is ready to face me and my family again? Why is it hard to understand what he wants to do when there seems to be a lot of easier way out? Why must I feel the torment of this feeling and the fear of losing him forever? How could I ever get through the day under the prying eyes of those looking up at me, with their piercing question asking about his whereabouts and our current status? How could I ever move on with my own life when all around me I could sense his presence in subtle but obvious way? All those things that remind me of him just screams pain and loneliness mingled with longing-ness and desire of him.
Why, Lord, does he have to be my weakness every waking hour? How could I free myself from the gripping feeling that binds me servant to this worldly emotions they call love? How I could carry on with the life You want for me, when my heart is so filled of knowing that I have him for the rest of my life? And how could I ever defy gravity and keep myself from falling into the pits of pity and mourning?
Lord, please help me get through this. The tears that fall down my cheeks are not enough to express how hurt I am with the situation I am in. I couldn’t bear the thought of life without him. This is cutting me deep down inside me that I simply couldn’t just cry loud enough. There are so many things Lord that I need to comprehend but please do show me now how to get over this. Please help me wait patiently for what You want me to have. Please help me have the courage to face tomorrow with joy and happiness that I ought to show in front of everyone. Please let me have the peace and contentment that I ought to have. Please show me how Lord. Or else I’ll die in pity and regrets…Please Lord Please.