I was browsing and looking through my old stash of notebooks from when I was still in college and I stumble upon a piece of a draft letter that was suppose to be for someone dear to me.
And then I remembered.
I have tons of unsent letter hidden somewhere, that was never really sent or given to the actual recipient.
I don’t know what was wrong with me that time. But, honestly, I was just so scared that they would look at me differently if they happen to know my real feelings to them. Hence, the unsent letters.
But remembering the feeling of having your emotions and all, shed and written in a piece of paper, I suddenly realized why I love writing down my thoughts. All of a sudden, I have huge stash of notebooks and papers that even until now has never been touched.
If you use writing as an outlet, you would know what I’m talking about. It’s relieving. It’s satisfying. It’s like you could conquer the world.
It was so different back then when I don’t have the internet readily available. Pen and paper was my hideout. Words were my art. I would mix them so that I could paint a real picture of what was going on in my thoughts. It was fun.
When the internet came into our house, I was intrigued of course. I had my first blog up and I was so excited to share to the world what was in my thoughts. I was excited to know what they think about it.
And when it happened, somehow, insecurity kicked in. I was then suddenly scared to tell the world what I think. I was suddenly curious what they would think about me. It all became too personal for me that I had to stop all of it. Eventually, writing out my thoughts, had to stop as well.
Although I write in a private journal from time to time, still collecting notebooks that I never write on, it wasn’t until now that I started writing about myself and my thoughts again. So this is definitely a challenge to me now. Taking a stand on what I believe is right – would be another topic to deal with.
I just thank God that He gave me this little skill to paint my thoughts using words. I’ve never been artistic. I mean, all those actual drawing, sketching, painting, really suck the life out of me. I don’t have that kind of intrinsic quality. This is the only thing that I have, in terms of being an artist. And perhaps God is making me realize that I should be doing something about this now. I still don’t know how, what, and when. But maybe it will come. As I said on my previous post, I just have to continue, even though I don’t see how God is using me.
So going back to the unsent letters, I thank God for them as well. My thoughts before when I was young ring back to me now. And somehow, now I don’t regret having them unsent.