State of Confusion

I thought this tragedy would make everything easy for me. But my dream last night, just proved me wrong.

Evidently, I have him in my heart and mind so hard, even in my subconscious mind at that. I dreamt so closely of him I could almost touch him, and us, together.

Only if  I did, I know everything would be gone.

Just like now.

My mind is still boggling with unutterable questions. Questions likes, Did he do that just get rid of all the negative info about himself, and not because he really cared about me?

Suffice it to say, I’m currently confused.

Thanks to the book I’m reading now, When God Writes Your Love Story, somehow it tames my thinking and calms my mourning heart.  Somehow it made me realize that I’ve been forgetting to whom really I live for. Somehow, it made me realize that the reason I’m feeling this way is because I’ve set my affection and attention too much on him and not on Him.

It’s true, honestly. I thought everything would be okay by now, since almost every one I know, knows that we are couple.

But I was wrong.

I completely ignored that fact that he isn’t ready yet. He isn’t ready yet to accept the responsibility that would come if we declare our feelings for each other. Of all the people I know, he’s one of the few who knows that the life I want is too far from how I’ve been living now.

There. That made think of another negative thing. That I had been just a little too hard on him on saying those things. Maybe nasakal lang sya. I don’t know. But its hard to think about that when he  said he’ll be back for me when he’s ready to face my family.

I don’t know.

Right now, I’m just confused.

And what does a confused girl like me do in times like this?

One thing of sure, there are lots of work waiting for me…